


I'm sorry I couldn't protect you

by Alostboi101



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abuse and recovery, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Kissing, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Recovery, Recovery Story, Recovry, Rediscovery, Regaining Memories, Romantic Soulmates, Soul Bond, Soulmates, Temporary Amnesia, discovering feelings, experiment au, implication of past abuse/tortue/violence, implications of PTSD, its ends happy, its getting better, lab AU, mentions of tortue/abuse/violence, no one dies, platonic reassurance, reassurance, recovering, romantic reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21976879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alostboi101/pseuds/Alostboi101
Summary: When thirteen boys that are kidnapped from a young age for an experiment regain their live, chaos breaks out. But only one of them remembers it all;how will he find them? How will he make sure they're all safe? And worse, what if they don't remember him?.alternatively.In a twisted way, he was thankful that he remembered. He was thankful he remembered the pain and agony, both physical and emotional. He was thankful he remembered every scar inflicted and every tear shed.He would make them pay.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 23
Kudos: 143





	1. One less than a full revolution

Hansol sighed as the air conditioning of the cheap motel room hit his sun bitten cheeks.

His skin glowed painfully from the ruthless sun and his feet and legs protested in pure agony from walking for so long. He supposed recent events had weakened his stamina over the years, he couldn’t exactly train to hike for miles inside a lab.

He sat on the side of the bed and let his backpack fall behind him. Letting out a huge sigh he clenched his jaw, and tried to hold back tears.

It had been three days since it happened.

Three days since he lost all the people he loved and cared about, three days since they had Freedom.

But now they had it, Freedom didn’t seem as good as they hoped.

Of course it was better than being trapped in that _prison_ , especially with the things that went on. Hansol flinched at the mere memory of it, he wouldn’t go back for anything in the world.

But he had never felt more alone in his life.

In a twisted way, he was thankful that he remembered.

He was thankful he remembered the pain and agony, both physical and emotional.

He was thankful he remembered every scar inflicted and every tear shed.

He would make _them_ pay.

.

Hansol suddenly remembered his surroundings and rushed towards the bathroom, craving to soothe his burning skin under the cold water.

The light cast a dim glow on the room, it barely functioned, but that was in his favour. He couldn‘t cope with seeing the damage that stood out on his skin, still recent, as if they had decided to mark him with their violence on more time.

Hansol stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers knowing he wouldn't manage anymore. The simple shame that ached deep in him from the abuse he had endured and the marks it left everywhere stopped him.

So, he stood under the lukewarm water, letting it run down his clothed back in the dim light. Enjoying the soothing peace it created against his burning skin.

This time, he didn’t stop the tears from falling.

.

The tv stuttered and babbled in front of him, creating a small barrier between Hansol and his harmful thoughts.

His damp hair caused droplets to cascade down his back, he had built up the courage to remove his sodden shirt. And now he sat on the bed, calmly, tending to the wounds they had left.

He chewed on his lip from pain, as the bandage slipped off his collarbone, revealing a torn stitch and confirming what he suspected. He replaced the bandage as carefully as possible, not bothering with the stitch and hoping to god that his soulmate wasn’t feeling his pain.

His stomach churned ungratefully and he willed it to settle. His thoughts wandered to his soulmate, promises of bleached white hair and rosy cheeks, soft giggles and rushed kisses and flustered yet cheeky smiles.

His soulmate wouldn't even remember his name, the thought left a deep, painful ache in his heart and he lent back against the pillows. Shutting his eyes and letting the exhaustion take over his body before the tears could fall again.

He wouldn’t give up yet.

.

.

.

Day seven

Now he stood outside the first house, first destination out of twelve.

He had broken into one of the offices and found the plans that they had when they were done with their torturing. To separate them, monitor their recovery and make sure they didn’t spill. The thought made Hansol feel sick, and yet where were they? Separated from each other. Not knowing who was who and what was what. Years of strong relationships broken down to the foundations in a single night.

Hansol let out a deep breath, his jaw beginning to ache from clenching it so often, bitterly he wondered whether that was a symptom of his anxiety, anger or ptsd.

Probably all of the above.

He chuckled to himself and raised his hand to knock on the door but a suffocating fear made his stop. What could he say? How would explain everything?

The door swung open, revealing a tall, handsome, raven haired boy.

He glanced at Hansol with an almost bored expression before looking at Hansol more curiously this time. As if trying to recall a memory.

Hansol’s mind blanked, all words and prepared greetings flooding out in an instant and being replaced with blurry memories, his only rational thought settling on the oversized hoodie the boy was wearing.

It was mid summer, and America was currently having a heat wave.

“Do I know you?” The boy asked in Korean, a thick Chinese accent coming through and Hansol felt the ache of warm familiarity filling his chest and he held back tears again. But the statement prevented it, flooding his chest with the cold, suffocating anxiety that he should’ve expected.

.

They stood in the kitchen now, night had fallen and Junhui still felt like his sleep schedule was disorderly. He stared at the boy in front of him, he was painfully familiar and yet a stranger, cuts and bruises littered his face and dark circles sat under his eyes. Junhui saw the pain, regret and loneliness in the Hansol's eyes and his slumped figure, a huge part of him wanted to believe him.

Wanted to believe the pictures spread out on the table.

He stared at all the boys in the pictures once more, many seemed familiar, and a sense of fondness washed over him.

He shivered and folded his arms, his fingers felt cold against his skin and he pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down. Hansol shot him a look of concern, maybe he had a cold or something, Hansol didn’t linger on it.

Junhui noticed himself in the pictures too, although it felt odd. Seeing a version of himself, so sure and happy surrounded with people who he knew.

Now strangers.

Knowing that he felt safe and happy around them and it was requited.

Knowing that it was exactly what he was missing.

Knowing that the pictures held the answer to the numb hole of wanting to belong.

“I don’t know,” He trailed off, refusing to make eye contact with Hansol, almost feeling guilty for not trusting him immediately even though rationally, he had no reason to.

He desperately wanted to trust the boy, the pictures were definite proof, let alone the almost irresistible urge to help, even protect, him.

But it was the fear that was holding him back, fear of what he didn’t know, yet.

But he was almost scared of the truth, Hansol knew it and he looked haunted.

“It’s okay, I understand. It’s a lot to take in and believe at once”, Hansol rambled, Junhui watched the rejection upset him and felt a wave of guilt wash over him.

Almost instantly he regretted not believing the boy, but he couldn’t take it back.

.

Hansol moved towards the door at the end of the corridor and Junhui felt an urge to keep him in the house, to make sure he was safe.

If everything Hansol had just told him was true, he wasn’t happy letting the boy go on his own.

What if he never came back? Junhui couldn’t live with that.

“Oh, one more thing” Hansol dug into his jacket and produce a small letter encased in an envelope, the writing was neat and simple, the edges folded a bit.

Only Junhui’s name and an address written on the front. “It’s a letter from Wonwoo when,” Hansol paused, as if hiding something and avoided Junhui’s gaze, “He was somewhere else before we escaped, this is the last thing he wrote to you”

Junhui took the letter, not sure quite what to say. He wanted to hug the boy, tell him to be safe and to look after himself. He wanted to believe him.

Hansol turned to walk out the door and Junhui grabbed at his wrist, flinching subconsciously when his fingers touched bandages under Hansol’s long sleeves, concern flooded through him.

“I believe you,” he mumbled, “Well, sort of. I want to believe you.” Junhui sighed in frustration, not being able to say what he wanted to.

“I’ll contact you soon?” Hansol offered and Junhui nodded in confirmation, he couldn’t lose Hansol now.

.

.

.

Hansol locked the door to the hotel behind him and pushed a chair under the door handle. Before walking over to the window, turning off the light and closing the blinds. He pulled another chair to the window and positioned himself to the side of it, enough to observe but not to be observed.

He took a deep breath, only now being able to calm his nerves a bit.

He reached for his journal out of his backpack, updating the landline where Junhui was staying. It had been somewhat of a success. He knew it would be difficult to trigger their memories, make them trust him and gather all twelve of them. But he had no other choice.

The plan had failed, they had barely made it out of the lab and even then, he was the only one with his memories.

He guessed the others had been drugged when found, drugged, memories erased and dropped off at their designated areas.

He was the only one that had escaped properly.

He would never forget those four days in the desert.


	2. A pioneer who cast himself into his own destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of vomiting/panic attacks

Day 8

Jeonghan held his breath as the shutter of the camera clicked together, he paused, waiting for the polaroid to slide out. Before removing it and adding it to collection on the wall.

To anyone it would look like the pictures were completely random and disorganized.

No pattern, no style, no reason.

But to him it meant everything.

He been capturing anything he had an emotional reaction to; whether it made him feel unsafe, or nostalgic, or happy.

Whatever the emotion happened to be. He captured it and wrote the emotion under the photo.

Hoping, it would give him a clue as to who he used to be.

He supposed it would have been the absence that had begun to drive him crazy. The only thing keeping him in time with the world was the simple calendar on his cream coloured bedroom wall. Although he presumed it didn’t belong to him.

He doubted that it was even his house. But he didn’t know for sure.

Yes, it was the absence that was slowly driving him crazy.

The absence of knowledge, the absence of identity. The absence of knowing what the fuck was going on.

He had no control, and it wouldn't be long before it would make him go insane.

Seven days ago, he woke up in this house. Fully clothed, lying on top of the sheets of the bed.

The clothes appeared expensive, but someone had cut the labels and they were immaculate. No creases or stains.

The house too. As if it was a museum, unlived in. It made his skin crawl, as if he had no right to be there He did not understand where he was, no idea who he was and no idea where he was.

He didn’t understand the pain either.

It was irregular, and strong when it was there. As if something had suddenly stabbed his skin. On several occasions, it was so bad he had to stop what he was doing and wait for it to fade.

He wondered if he had a condition, or if he was ill someway. There were no marks or scars, and no painkillers or heat packs helped.

He didn’t understand it but he hated every second of it.

.

.

.

“And how does that make you feel?”, Joshua stared at the grey, cheap carpet. Not sure what to say. It made him feel a lot of things.

“Like I belong to something, I guess” He muttered, more to himself that anyone, he felt numb.

The therapist nodded to herself and added his response to her notes. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to end it there Joshua, I hope you understand that I have other people to see.”

“Of course, thank you for your help” His response almost came as an instinct and the therapist smiled at his politeness.

Joshua kept his head down as he walked out of the waiting room, not wanting to exchange eye contact with anyone.

He lent against the wall outside of the therapist’s flat, a horrid, cold, suffocation taking over his body and he tried to take a deep breath to steady himself.

He glanced at his hands, they were shaking and something rose in his throat.

Running towards the door to his flat he flung it open and rushed to the bathroom, his mind on autopilot as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

.

Joshua sat against his bathroom wall, the marble tiles felt cold against his jeans.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting there but his joints were beginning to feel stiff, his breathing had calmed down and his stomach had stopped hurting.

The pain replaced with emptiness.

The darkness wrapped him in a blanket of comfort, he couldn’t see the uncertainty in his eyes, the lack of sleep, the terrified, hunted look that haunted his appearance.

He moved towards the sink and splashed his face with water, not caring about the droplets that cascaded onto his sweater or onto the floor. The water pooled in the bottom of the sink before disappearing down the drain.

He refused to look up into the mirror.

Joshua saw a flash of something as he closed his eyes, something familiar and nostalgic. He walked awkwardly towards his bedroom, his legs numb and beginning to tingle from sitting in a cramped position and sat down at the desk.

He attempted to dry his damp hands on his sweater before balancing the pencil on the sketch pad, desperately hanging on to a memory before he forgot it, like everything else.

.

.

.

The night bustled with city lights and people hurrying to their destinations.

Junhui kept his head down among the crowd as he walked, avoiding anyone’s eye.

The letter was still in his hand; the corners starting to fold a little under his firm grip. He didn’t need to it tell him the location anymore, it was burned into his mind as the only thing with certainty.

He ran up the flat stairs with ease, only feeling a little out of breath when he reached the top, he guessed he enjoyed keeping fit before as the stairs were not a challenge.

He hurried down the plain corridors, searching each door for the correct number, reading the numbers under his breath.

He almost missed it.

1013

The door number written on the envelope.

A burning, yet cold feeling filed his chest and he shivered again. What if it was the wrong complex? What if he had moved out? What if he didn’t recognise him?

The sudden urge to find Wonwoo destroyed any sense of rationality or preparation.

Hansol would’ve known. But Hansol gave him the address. Which meant that Hansol knew Wonwoo was still there, and he trusted Junhui to find him.

Junhui knocked gently at the door and it swung open. He recognised the boy from the pictures almost instantly.

Although he looked different, His eyes; tired and emotionless, slightly swollen from crying. His hair was messy and dyed a dark brown colour. Junhui saw a spark of hope in Wonwoo’s eyes as they met each other’s gaze.

“I know you”.

Hansol was right.

.

.

.

Day 9

The plate fell to the floor with a crash and Jeonghan flinched at the noise.

The pain had started again, taking him by surprise with a deep burning feeling in his right leg, just above the knee.

He gripped the counter, knuckles turning pale as he lowered himself to the kitchen floor, trying to avoid the fragments of the plate and his breakfast.

He let out a shaky breath as tears started to fill his vision once more, a burning sense of anger and injustice filling him.

His jaw clenched painfully and his chest ached, he couldn’t understand the pain, and he was fed up with it.


	3. Somebody told me that it meant imperfection and destiny

Junhui woke, but it wasn’t out of fright or disturbance like usual.

He woke calm and warm. Wonwoo’s legs entangled with his, and his hands wrapped loosely around Junhui’s waist.

The TV was still on, casting various shadows across the room as Junhui rubbed his eyes sleepily, trying to figure out why he had awoken.

He untangled the two of them, trying his best not to disturb Wonwoo from his sleep. He guessed that Wonwoo hadn’t been getting much of that.

.

Junhui made his way to the kitchen, deciding that he had awoken due to thirst and filled a glass with water.

He caught the city from the window as he sipped from his glass, the multicoloured lights throwing the city into a spectrum of rainbow as the darkness tried to shroud it. The simplistic beauty took his breath away.

He wondered where Hansol was.

Whether he had found somewhere to stay.

Whether he was safe, or if he was sleeping in a corner of some back alley.

The guilt returned, he should’ve offered the younger a place to stay, a warm dry place to be safe if only for the night.

“Hyung?” Wonwoo’s voice carried down the small corridor, he sounded worried, slightly scared.

Junhui put his glass down and hurried down the corridor to meet Wonwoo halfway. He looked at Wonwoo, looking for signs of hurt or distress but he only seemed reassured.

“Sorry I, woke up, and you were gone, I just”, he shrugged, voice dying down slightly, “got scared”, his eyes watered slightly and he chewed his lip in uncertainty.

Junhui sighed sympathetically and rubbed Wonwoo’s arm in reassurance “I’m not going anywhere”, a strange sense of protectiveness washed over him, as if another force had invaded his mind and was telling him, _You see this boy? Hold him close, and never let him go_.

They both headed back towards the bedroom, Junhui didn’t miss how Wonwoo’s fingers gripped onto the bottom of his shirt.

The crushing reality that everything Hansol had told him was true.

Even the horrific parts, and even then he didn’t doubt that Hansol had left out some details.

.

.

.

Joshua stared at the drawing that sat on his desk. The boy was painfully familiar but a stranger at the same time.

He hated it.

The boy had soft, messy, and bleached blond hair. He had a childish grin on his face and warm puppy-like brown eyes. Joshua couldn’t help but feel a wave of adoration for him and he knew it was someone close to him.

He seemed younger than Joshua too, he could’ve been his younger brother, maybe a lover.

But Joshua knew his name.

It was Hansol. 

.

.

.

Junhui lay back against the pillows, letting Wonwoo get comfy against him.

He moved his fingers through soft brown hair in an attempt to calm him down, make him more relaxed and he noticed how the slight trembling stopped.

Wonwoo propped himself on his elbows, face inches away from Junhui’s. “I want to find Hansol tomorrow” he mumbled through the darkness and Junhui only nodded in agreement.

He was bursting to know if Hansol was okay, how many of the other boys he had found, tell him Wonwoo was okay.

His gaze was lost in Wonwoo’s. Taking in his features, making sure he would never forget them.

Wonwoo’s gaze shifted to Junhui’s lips, and he noticed a faint blush crept onto his cheeks, wondering what Wonwoo’s next action would be.

Neither of the boys could recall whether they were platonic or romantic soulmates and they were bursting to know. Wonwoo leant into Junhui, pressing his lips gently against the elder’s and cupping his cheek as their lips danced against each other.

He felt Junhui’s hand grip at his hair as he nibbled softly on Wonwoo’s bottom lip. Wonwoo let out a soft groan and granted him permission, shifting on his elbows as he pushed his tongue into Wonwoo’s mouth.

His heart swelled slightly, as memories flooded back to him in seconds.

Memories of someone with black hair, tall, sharp jawline.

Someone who wasn’t Junhui.

He panicked, guilt, fear and uncertainty filling him as he pulled away hastily from Junhui’s embrace.

When he opened his eyes Junhui’s eyebrows were frowning, worried he had done something wrong. Wonwoo searched for the right words but it didn’t come to him.

“It’s not me is it?” Junhui asked, his tone was strange; calm in the situation, it increased Wonwoo’s panic and guilt but he confirmed it.

“It’s okay,” He mumbled, hand coming up to rub Wonwoo’s side for comfort, “I thought of someone else too”. Wonwoo smiled, glad he hadn’t messed up, he couldn’t cope with the thought of finally having Junhui back and then losing him.

He chuckled slightly, relief washing over him in happiness. “You’re a good kisser” He mumbled and Junhui smirked.

He stretched out his arms, waiting for Wonwoo to fall back into his embrace. “Get some rest now”

Day 10

Junhui sighed for the hundredth time that day; the number Hansol had given him didn’t work and he couldn’t quite remember his other soulmate, his romantic one he guessed.

He knew some had only one, some had a few, but it was common to have a romantic and platonic one.

The boy was so god darn close but so far at the same time, every little memory of him was too vague to piece something together but too certain to let go of.

Wonwoo sensed Junhui was bothered by it, and slid his arms around the older boy’s waist, linking their fingers together in comfort. Near by, on the bed sheets, lay a discarded notebook. Variations of a single name scrawled across its pages.

Junhui sighed again, “going to the kitchen,” He mumbled before wriggling out of Wonwoo’s arms and padded through the hallway.

.

.

.

Hansol’s skin tingled and stung as the sun’s rays continued its abuse , the sunburn made his skin extra sensitive and he moved into the shadows; relishing in the relief it provided.

His heart lurched in his chest as he caught sight of the boy. Memories and promises of bleached white hair and rosy cheeks, soft giggles and rushed kisses and flustered yet cheeky smiles.

His natural hair colour hadn’t started to grow through the dye yet and his posture was limp. There were dark circles under his eyes and they squinted under the bright sun, as if not used to being outside.

Hansol noticed his body language was different, almost foreign to what he remembered.

The boy avoided gazes, kept his head down and posture slumped. His hands were tight fists, Hansol couldn’t tell if it was from fear or anger.

.

.

.

Wonwoo jumped from fright as the sound of breaking glass echoed like a shockwave from the kitchen. He winced at the immediate silence afterwards, heart pounding in his chest, fearing the worst. Fear and adrenaline flooded through his body like cold ice washing over him.

He rushed to the kitchen, relaxing only slightly when he realised Junhui was in no immediate danger.

Junhui glanced at him, then at the shattered glass on the floor, “I remembered his name. It’s Minghao. And I know where he is”

.

.

.

Hansol froze, fear clouding his mind and panic filling his body as he stared at the boy in front of him, waiting for his next move.

“Who the fuck are you?! And why are you stalking me?” Seungkwan demanded, Hansol couldn’t tell if it was anger or fear, but the reaction was violent and if it ended badly both of them could be in serious danger.

Hansol relaxed slightly, trying to diffuse the situation, “I’m not a threat, I don’t wanna hurt you” His tone was calm, trying to be calm but Seungkwan wasn’t taking the hint.

The boy took another step backwards, “Stay away from me!”

Hansol sighed, he knew it was going to be difficult, “Please just listen, you’ve got amnesia I know things are confusing”

This did the opposite and Hansol cursed inwardly.

Seungkwan seemed more panicked and backed further away, “How do you know that?”

“I’m your...best friend, We’re soulmates. Your name is Seungkwan” Seungkwan seemed more panicked if anything.

As if he was trying to make sense of things. Add them up and see whether Hansol was telling the truth. “Please, you’re in danger. There are people searching for us and they won’t stop. You’re not the only one, there are othe-” Hansol’s sentence was interrupted by Seungkwan shoving him harshly to the ground.

He fell backwards onto the pavement, followed by another shout of “Stay away from me, Freak!” before he took off.

Hansol could only watch as the love of his love fled into the distance, pain from his injuries stopping him from chasing after the boy.

Instead, Hansol pulled his knees close to his chest and sat against the back alley wall as the tears began to fall again.


	4. Someone told me, 'Do not be blinded by the illusion in front of you, but follow the truth inside of it'

Chan stuck in the shadows as he watched the blond boy hesitate in the doorway.

The boy checked either side of the street before unlocking the door and disappearing inside. Chan took note of the address and started to walk back to his own place.

His stomach grumbled in disagreement of more exercise and he chose to ignore it. He figured if they didn’t find him first then the starvation would get to him.

He wondered how long the human body could go without food.

Was it two weeks? Three?

He glanced over his shoulder, paranoia creeping up on him as the sun bathed the sky in various shades of orange and red. His stomach grumbled again. He couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten without, although unwillingly, throwing it back up.

He paused under a street light and pulled his left hand out of his pocket, holding the underside of his wrist up to the light.

There was a large rash forming and a tiny pinprick of a cut right in the middle of it. He fought the urge to scratch it.

He had concluded it was probably the injection site. Of what or from who he had no idea. He was probably kidnapped, that’s what happens to a lot of kids his age, it wouldn’t be surprising.

But the lack of meaning in the world startled him. Where were his parents? Which school did he go to? How old was he? How long had he been gone?

He thanked the cashier at the pharmacy and sat down on a bench outside.

Maybe he had been gone so long that no one remembered him. They gave up on trying to find him.

He struggled to open the box, his fingers were sore from constant nail biting; he had to distract his constant fear somehow.

Maybe he was taken as a toddler, or even as a baby, that would explain his lack of memories.

He hissed in pain as the bandage made direct contact with the rash and he pulled it tight around his wrist to prevent himself from scratching it.

Maybe his parents had died or moved country while he was gone, that would explain why no one was looking for him.

He shrugged to himself and continued on his journey home. Maybe he would never know what happened to him.

.

Day 11

Hansol knocked at the white door, wincing as the wood hurt his knuckles, forgetting the bruises that lined his skin.

The door opened and Hansol recognised the older boy. He was about to launch into his usual lie when the boy recognised him. It caught Hansol off guard, and alarmed him. He hadn’t prepared himself for that.

The boy stepped back into the house, pulling the door close with him and Hansol panicked.

He moved forward and stopped the door with his foot, “We need to t-”

“I know who you are,'' The boy’s face was hidden behind the door and Hansol could only see a flush of blonde hair behind it. His voice was quiet and timid, shaking slightly from fear. “A-and I know what you want, but” he took a shaky breath and Hansol waited patiently, “But I can’t trust or be around you yet because it's too risky”

Hansol nodded, despite the fact that the boy couldn’t see him then realised and asked, “Is there a way I can contact you or something? I-”

“I don’t know, that’s dangerous”

“Jihoon, please” Hansol was begging at this point and he heard a sigh of defeat.

Jihoon must’ve realized the reality of the situation, or some degree of it. “Put your hand out”,

Hansol hesitated, before rolling up his sleeve and sticking it through the crack between door and wall. Feeling vulnerable as the bandages were exposed.

Jihoon held his arm delicately and Hansol knew he was concerned. He felt a pen move against his skin and when he pulled his arm back he saw a phone number. “Please don’t contact me until it’s safe or you’ve found the others” He nodded and muttered a small ‘thanks’ before leaving the small house. Fingers tracing over the number and where Jihoon’s touch left warmth.

Jihoon remebered more than he thought. Jihoon knew he was in danger, and that what happened to him was no accident, that was good enough for Hansol, at the moment.

He had found two of them, and they trusted him.

.

.

.

There was a knock on the door and it spread a cold, tingling panic through Joshua.

He froze, waiting to hear any sign of danger but it was followed by deafening silence.

He wanted to check the door but at this point, he couldn’t tell reality from hallucinations.

He was getting them so frequently he knew it wouldn’t be long before they drove him crazy.

He paused before the door, listening out for any attackers waiting for him to open the door so they could capture him once again. He heard nothing. So he opened the door.

And was greeted by a small tupperware box sitting in the corridor right outside his apartment. He picked it up with caution. Not wanting to step into somebody’s trap.

He then searched either side of the corridor, and upon seeing nothing he took the box into his apartment.

.

There wasn’t much in the box.

A letter, a small brick mobile and a fresh sim card. Some painkillers and other medication for nausea and hallucinations and a few leaflets about amnesia and how to manage or even recover from it. Joshua doubted they would work.

But it was the letter that intrigued him the most, he knew it was from the therapist across the hallway due to her recognisable handwriting. So he opened it.

_Dear Joshua, I am sorry to inform you that I will no longer be able to help you with your amnesia as I have looked over out past sessions and done a bit of research and have concluded that this is much bigger than expected. I will not be able to help you due to protecting my family and children, I hope you understand._

_I am most certain that you have a soulmate or soulmates due to your description of this ‘bond’ and the vivid dreams that are presumably memories. I do hope you find them. Doing some research into soulmates and such I came across some old files about soulmate experimentation and such and I don’t want to lead you to any conclusions but I would be incredibly careful if I were you._

_In the box are some medications that may help with your side effects and some methods and websites that may help you recover something from your amnesia._

_On the mobile are a few numbers of people or places you can go to if you are in danger, but do not come to me._

_T_ _here are also a few numbers of people that you may be able to get information from although I would expect that they will charge. Best wishes and stay safe please. They are watching._


	5. I was afraid, since I was alone

Day thirteen

Chan stuck to the shadows once again, he had gotten quite good at it.

He watched as the boy crossed the street, glancing both ways and then behind him.

He seemed afraid, It had been two days since the boys fought. He recognized both of them.

Seungkwan, that’s the name he assumed belonged to the boy now hurrying down the street with his head down low. He seemed scared, almost as scared as Chan felt.

He wondered why he felt a connection to the boy. Who was he? Besides a name the boy was a stranger.

The other boy, also blond but with more injures, seemed to know what was going on. Chan paused as he tried to remember what the boy had said, something about amnesia? And that the blond boy was Seungkwan’s soulmate.

Then why did Seungkwan have such a violent reaction to him? As far as Chan could remember, soulmates were meant to be invincible, recognizable in any situation. Even if Seungkwan had amnesia he should’ve known the boy.

Seungkwan disappeared down a side street and into the block of flats. Chan knew his flat number so he paused before turning back.

Did he have a soulmate? He wanted someone that would love and care for him unconditionally, he didn’t care who particularly. As long as they were his. As long as they didn’t make him feel so alone.

He probably did. But something happened to them.

Amnesia victims from accidents don’t wake up in an empty apartments alone with nightmares, fear stricken, and hardly able to eat.

That was not an accident.

Whatever had happened to him was not an accident.

The nightmares and reactions to whatever drugs were in his body told him that.

The fear that plagued him at night told him that.

And something had happened to his soulmate too.

Or they would be coming after him, like the boy went after Seungkwan.

Maybe their story was a happy one in the end, maybe Seungkwan was in an accident after all and his trauma and lack of memory were playing tricks on him.

He didn’t know anymore.

. 

About a day before, Seungkwan noticed he had a shadow.

The shadow was fast and clever, he knew how to hide, how to blend in with the crowd and even though Seungkwan had never seen his face fully - there was something familiar about the boy.

He felt no threat or danger from him and almost felt relieved when he showed up.

But he was sure he knew him, maybe another friend or classmate before whatever accident gave him his amnesia.

Which didn’t add up; if he was in an accident where were his injuries? Wouldn’t some doctor or hospital be checking up on him, shouldn’t there be some family around him to make sure he doesn’t panic from not knowing something?

But all he had was the injured boy and the shadow. No one else. Where was his family? Did he have one? Maybe a home, a childhood.

And what if the boy was right, what if he was in danger, what if there were people after him. What if they were soulmates. Did he really just push his soulmate away and run? The only piece of his past and himself he had and he threw it away.

God, he didn’t even know the boy’s name, whether he was okay, whether he was in danger.

He needed to find the shadow, if he was watching he would know more about his soulmate.

At least a name or an address, it wouldn’t be much but Seungkwan was willing to work with it.

.

.

.

Day fourteen

Seokmin sighed, crouched to tie his laces, stroked the neighbours’ dog and stood in the middle of the road.

He focused on the sound of the morning birds, the wind in the trees, his breathing.

He was okay.

He was going to be okay.

He placed the stopwatch on the ground and started his run.

It had been fourteen days since he had woken up in the house, on his own, with no recollection of what happened or who he was.

He figured he was an amnesia victim of something, maybe drugs or an accident.

He had started a routine, trying to be healthy, reasoning if he was in fact previously a drug addict or in an accident it would help his recovery.

And any doctors or therapists or even family members that would, and should, stop by and ask if he was okay would be impressed by his recovery.

Hopefully.

He ran towards the side of the pavement and threw up into the bushes.

It wasn’t the first time. Once again, hopefully, it would be the last.

He took a deep breath, the smell of his own vomit triggering the urge to throw up once more.

He was okay.

He was going to be okay.

He turned around and headed back to his house

.

.

.

Jeonghan paused, peering into the dim lighting of the evening. He could have sworn he heard footsteps following him.

He shook his head, dismissing the thought and carried on, although his pace had quickened significantly.

He heard it again, ignoring the fear that flared inside his chest and how his legs shook. He tried not to look over his shoulder but his gut was screaming at him to do so. He knew that it would give away his certainty of being stalked.

He took deep breaths, desperately trying to cling on to whatever calmness he had in the first place.

A loud crash from behind startled him and he flinched violently, heart pounding and any sense of calm flung out of the window.

He picked up a light jog and heard a curse and the footsteps quicken, he was right. Deep inside he knew that he couldn’t lead his stalker to his apartment. So he pulled a sharp corner and hid in the dark of a doorway, crouching down into the shadows for good measure.

He clamped his hand over his mouth and breathed into his hoodie, desperately trying to stay quiet. He could feel the blood rushing to his head and he couldn’t stop shaking.

He just wanted it to stop.

The attacker appeared around the corner and Jeonghan held his breath, seeing the man’s shadow from the streetlight.

He was taller and broader than Jeonghan, presumably stronger too, and he was holding a gun. It was obvious that he was either going to kill Jeonghan, or worse.

He couldn’t let the man find him. He didn’t move, trying to contain his trembling and wishing that the man would just leave already.

There was radio static, then ‘I’ve lost him’, more radio static, ‘Come in, we have lead on another one’

 _Lead on another one_. Ran out in Jeonghan’s head. He wasn’t alone, there were others like him.

The man’s shadow turned and walked off into the darkness, Jeonghan counted up to a minute before uncurling his legs and trying to get his blood circulation working properly.

He thought it was safe for now. But he couldn’t go back to his apartment, not tonight. He let out a cry of pain and immediately slammed his hand over his mouth, muffling it.

This was the worst of times to get the pain that grew around his body when it felt like it. He bit his lip as he struggled to straighten his right leg, the pain growing stronger. It was nothing like he could remember, it was deep and the most pain he ever thought he had been in.

He rolled his trouser leg up, even though he had found nothing before, he checked again. And in the dim streetlight he found nothing, he felt nothing.

The source of the pain, being right above his knee cap and deep inside his leg. Yet there was nothing to indicate an injury or anything that should cause it. He sighed and leant his head back against the doorway, trying to keep calm while he waited for the pain to fade away.

.

Seungcheol winced at the sight of the injury on his right leg, a deep cut just above his knee. He guessed it was a few weeks old but the wound was deep and precise. He unpacked the new dressings and tried not to think about how it got there. At least it was clean and stitched and for that he was glad.

Having to deal with an infected wound on top of being homeless and an amnesiac would be worse.

He had small, occasional flashes of his past, something he recognised or people he saw briefly when he closed his eyes or things he remembered from his nightmares when he woke up, but barely enough to even begin to figure things out.

It left a big, unattended wound of fear and loneliness in his chest.

.

Jeonghan glanced around the reception area of the grim youth hostel, it would have to do. Maybe he could get a room for a night or two, until he thought it was safe again.

The pain in his leg had subsided to a dull throbbing that was almost bearable. He hoped it would fade with sleep. When he got into his room he felt a strange calm, almost as if everything was too quiet. He felt vulnerable and exposed.

He opened the window and took a moment to listen to the sounds of the night. Traffic, distant sound of nightclubs, people, more traffic, wind, a distant police siren. It dampened the silence.

He lay back on the bed, he felt calmer and even though he knew he shouldn’t let his guard down, he did. But there were others.

Others like him, wondering about not knowing who they were. Did he know them previously, were they all connected? Maybe he had been part of a science experiment and they all escaped but why didn’t he remember that? And why weren’t there more signs on his body? Surely there would be something else.

Yes, fourteen days can take some signs away, but only the small ones.


	6. Until I saw us, in another form of seventeen

Junhui sighed and leant his head against the wall. It had been a tiring day.

He took off his shoes and moved to the kitchen where Wonwoo was, sorting out some takeaway into plates.

“Wonwoo, we can’t afford takeaway,'' he mumbled into the younger’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around him.

“Don’t worry, I’ve been saving up”

Junhui sighed and rested his head on the younger's shoulders, eyes already feeling heavy and tired, “From what?”

“While you were teaching Chinese at the school, I got a four hour shift at the gas station down the road”

“Why didn’t you tell me, that could’ve been dangerous, what if something happened and I didn’t know, and with your pain too-”

Wonwoo turned around and placed his hand over Junhui’s mouth playfully, “It’s okay, I wanted it to be a surprise. And I only got it a week ago”

“That’s a week of you sneaking out without me knowing”

“I wasn’t sneaking”

“That’s what sneaking is and I don’t like it”

Wonwoo chuckled and untangled himself from Junhui’s arms as the microwave went off, “Overprotective”

“I’m not overprotective I’m worried. I almost lost you once I’m not going to let that happen again!”

The atmosphere in the room suddenly became serious and Junhui almost felt bad for ruining it.

“I’m sorry hyung, I won’t keep secrets now”

Junhui linked his hands with Wonwoo’s gripping for comfort. “No more secrets?”

“No more secrets”

The atmosphere seemed to be restored and he smiled gently.

“I invited Hansol too”

.

.

.

Day 15

Seungkwan opened the door and headed out into the crowded street.

He kept his head low and his hood up, walking into no particular direction. Just looking for a less crowded area.

He knew if he acted suspicious he would be noticed.

He paused in a small backstreet, looking for his Shadow. It wasn’t long until he spotted the boy, he nodded and smiled, watching the boy nod and understand the message before turning and walking down the alleyway.

When he turned to face his Shadow, the boys face was more familiar than he expected. Familiarity along with a sense that something was wrong, but he couldn’t name it.

If Seunghwan had to describe the boy he would’ve said underfed, tired, scared. Maybe 16 or 17.

He wondered what relationship he had with the boy.

“I know you”, felt like the only appropriate thing to say and the boy nodded with a small smile, his hood was still up and cast a slight shadow over his eyes. His fringe poked out from his hood and had started to fall into his eyes.

“Are you looking for Hansol?”, he asked, his voice quiet and rough, as if he hadn’t used it for a decade. He cleared his throat and winced.

Seungkwan wondered whether he was ill or had been crying. He resisted the urge to ask how the boy guessed, with the realization that he had probably seen the fight.

His cheeks grew warm with embarrassment, he must’ve looked crazy, paranoid.

What if Hansol was in trouble because of him?

The shadow moved towards Seungkwan and took a piece of paper from his pocket. When Seungkwan unfolded it he saw it was an address, he didn’t need to confirm with the boy whether it was Hansol’s.

The boy began to walk out of the backstreet before Seungkwan called for him, he paused and turned around.

“What’s your name?”

“Chan”

.

.

Hansol sighed to himself, gathering any final drops of courage and strength even though he felt depleted of it.

He had to keep going, he had to continue fighting for the others.

He adjusted the shoulder straps of his backpack and took a deep breath before opening the door.

And almost having a heart attack.

Seungkwan stood in front of him, looking tired and anxious but he was there.

Standing in front of him.

Not angry, not scared.

Almost, worried.

Hansol didn’t know what to do, it was so unexpected, he thought that after the fight, that was it.

Maybe Seungkwan wanted to apologize, or maybe he remembered something?

“Hi, uh I wanted to apologize, for how irrational I was when you came up to me. And that I didn’t believe you, and for pushing and yelling at you. And I realized you were telling the truth, and honestly I would’ve lost you if it wasn’t for Chan and-”

“Chan told you? You saw him?”, Hansol’s mind was rushing through thought after thought, Seungkwan believed him, Seungkwan didn’t hate him, Chan was alive, and on the move, he would be afraid. He would be terrified on his own, they had to find him.

“Yeah, he gave me your address”

“Where is he, was he okay when you spoke to him?”

“I don’t know where he is, he kept following me, and you presumably. He was very quiet but I don’t know if that’s normal”

He had been following them, following but not making contact. Hansol knew he was terrified, but he couldn’t stay away.

How much did he remember? How much did he know? How badly was he affected?

“We have to find him,'' his voice came out fiercer than he expected, determination leaking through but Seungkwan took the hint.

.

Later that day, they found themselves in front of Junhui and Wonwoo's flat.

The soft yellow glow of the corridor lights cast shadows between the dark wooden doors.

Hansol felt exhausted, mentally and physically.

Seeing Seungkwan made him ache and hurt. But he knew he couldn’t make a move, Seungkwan was scared, confused, maybe even angry.

Hansol could easily fuck things up.

Did Seungkwan even remember him? Did he still mean the same to Seungkwan? Were they still in love?

He tore his gaze away from the boy, feeling his eyes well up.

“What is it?”, Seungkwan asked softy, he sounded worried, the soft tone of his voice only causing his heart to bleed again, how could he even begin to explain it?

He shook his head, “Nothing, it’s fine”

“Hansol….”

He bit his lip, feeling the tears collecting, hearing his own name from the boy he loved deepened the ache.

The door opened and Hansol smiled at the two older boys behind it, he was glad for the distraction. He hoped that if he faked being okay, he would be okay, but it was an unrealistic hope.

“Seungkwan, this is Junhui and Wonwoo. They’re safe”

“Is he going to stay with us?” Junhui asked and Hansol winced internally since he didn’t explain anything.

“If that’s okay? I don’t want anyone on their own it’s more dangerous”

“Dangerous? How is it dangerous?”, Seungkwan asked, turning to Hansol and looking almost hurt at the lack of information.

“We’ll explain inside,” Junhui pulled Seungkwan into the small flat and closing the door.

Hansol stared at the dark wooden door, the numbers of the flat echoing in his head, finally allowing the tears to fall.

The door swung open and Junhui stepped into the corridor, instantly opening his arms for Hansol to fall into and Hansol did, letting harsh sobs out into Junhui’s shirt.

.

Eventually the two ended up on the floor, the cheap and dirty carpet rubbing into Hansol’s ankle where his jeans didn’t cover.

Hansol curled into Junhui’s embrace, enjoying the momentary feeling of letting go, of not having to be in control of everything.

It felt good to let it all out, and be comforted too, and Junhui didn’t say anything, just waited until he calmed down, just supported Hansol through it.

“I’m scared, I’m so scared he doesn’t love me anymore,'' he mumbled, barely loud enough for Junhui to hear but he was glad that he didn’t have to hide it anymore.

Junhui wished he could do more than hold the sobbing boy. With every shaking breath he felt the raw and aching emotions that were trapped inside.

He could feel how tired and skinny Hansol had gotten. He wished he could do so much more for him, than hold him and calm him down.

But he didn’t know how.


	7. And as the door opened, I was faced with a new destiny

Day 16

The sun shone on the three boys, after a long breakfast, explanation and decision for Seungkwan; He, Wonwoo and Junhui decided to look for the mystery shadow named Chan. Junhui had left a voicemail for Hansol in case, the last thing he wanted was for the already overwhelmed boy to panic.

The two followed Seungkwan, a few steps behind. Junhui wondered about Seungkwan, how he didn’t quite remember Hansol.

Admittedly it took some time and experimentation for him to remember exactly what his and Wonwoo’s relationship was but it didn’t explain how Seungkwan could barely remember anything. Maybe he was hiding more, he hoped so, for Hansol’s sake.

He stopped, Seungkwan stopping ahead of them and talking quietly to a hooded figure.

Curiosity surged through Junhui and he exchanged a glance with Wonwoo, they guessed Seungkwan had found the boy.

.

.

.

Junhui sighed to himself, wishing that Hansol would turn up soon.

The kitchen was filled with the sound of the clock ticking on the wall and his own pen scratching against paper.

Chan sat opposite him, silent and motionless.

As much as he wanted to help the poor kid he had no idea how. He wouldn’t speak, or move or make any communication.

He only sat there, staring at the wall, flinching at any sound or movement.

It haunted Junhui.

He underestimated how bad things were in the lab, Hansol must’ve left out some details when he explained it to him.

And he thought that Wonwoo and Seungkwan had been badly affected by it.

He tried to avoid staring, it didn’t seem to help.

They took turns sitting in the kitchen, watching after Chan, Seungkwan seemed afraid of leaving him on his own.

Maybe it was something he remembered, or something Hansol had told him. Junhui didn’t know anymore.

He turned back to the letter, struggling with the code he had sent previously. He hoped Minghao had received the first one, and that it hadn’t been intercepted. He guessed he’d have to wait until he received a reply and see if it sounded like him or not.

Although, he didn’t know if he would be able to tell the difference between Minghao and Minghao’s interception.

“Hansol’s here, I’ll take over”, Wonwoo spoke quietly from the corridor and Junhui nodded. He folded the letter and stood slowly, trying not to startle Chan and walked out of the kitchen.

Wonwoo stopped him in the corridor, eyes looking into his, full of worry and concern. Junhui didn’t know if the concern was for him, Hansol or Chan. But he nodded and tried a smile to assure Wonwoo that he was okay.

It seemed to work, Wonwoo nodded in return and let go of his arm.

Hansol looked tired, he always looked tired but it was no surprise.

Junhui wondered whether he had been crying more since yesterday.

“We found Chan, but he hasn’t said a word, or moved, or eaten. I’m worried about him”

Hansol nodded and didn’t seem surprised, only grimacing slightly. “I was worried it would affect him like this” He was about to go into the kitchen before Junhui grabbed his arm, the bandages he could feel under his hoodie tripling the worry he had for Hansol.

“What did they...what happened to him?” Junhui was almost afraid to ask and Hansol’s expression told him he should be.

“I’ll tell you later”

.

The sun had begun to set, throwing a deep fiery orange glow across the street.

Junhui watched from across the road, hood up, as Hansol spoke softly to Chan and showed him pictures of the past.

He could see chan nodding and going along with Hansol’s words. Even pointing to someone in a few of the photos.

He was glad Hansol had them, otherwise he wouldn’t have believed him, or Chan wouldn’t have been found.

The two stood up and Junhui crossed the road, Chan looked more attentive, and seemed to be responding to his surroundings better.

It was a good sign, hopefully. Chan was holding a few of the photographs, he could see names scribbled across faces and he guessed Hansol let him keep them for reassurance.

Once again, he was glad for Hansol.

They walked in silence, bathing in the orange glow of the sunset and following Hansol. They stopped in front of a white house, and Hansol knocked at the door.

The door was opened by a crack, the resident preventing it from opening wider.

“Have you found all of them?” the voice sounded familiar to Junhui, he couldn’t place it but he knew that the boy had played a role in his past.

“No, but-” Hansol struggled to keep the door open, the resident seemingly resistant with it, “We need you to keep him safe” Hansol’s tone was quieter and Junhui could barely catch his words. “Please Jihoon, he needs to recover somewhere safe”

Jihoon, that was the boy’s name. It sounded familiar, he thought back to some of the photos Hansol pointed out and remembered a smaller boy, with black hair and a wide smile.

“Yeah okay, Anything I need to know?”

“Make sure he eats, don’t startle him, he might be injured, don’t leave him alone and don’t expect him to make much conversation.”

“How long will I have him?”

“I won’t come back until we’ve found everyone, we need him away from danger”

The door opened fully and Junhui caught a glimpse of the resident. He was shorter than Junhui remembered but his hair was dyed blonde, similar to Hansol’s. Despite that, he was similar to the Jihoon in the photos.

He caught glances with Junhui momentarily before glancing away quickly. He seemed nervous and Junhui wondered if he remembered him.

.

“You sure he’s safe there?” Junhui asked, more for reassurance and worry, having endless questions about Jihoon.

“Definitely”, Hansol’s answer was short and he seemed preoccupied with a thought.

“So, uh, why is it affecting him more than the rest of us?”, Junhui knew it wasn’t the right time but he didn’t know when it would be.

When would they be alone? When could they talk about it?

Hansol let out a deep sigh,“In the lab, as you know they were experimenting on soulmate bonds and there were three things they wanted to test. The three things were, whether physical pain could be felt through the bond, whether you could alter the bond through manipulation or brainwashing and whether lack of senses affected both sides.”

“Is that why Wonwoo gets so much chronic pain and you have so many injuries? Sorry, I could feel the bandages under your clothes” Junhui filled in, surprising himself at how quickly he connected the dots.

Hansol looked away and nodded. “With Chan, they wanted to see if response or lack therefore of affected both sides, for example if someone had a deaf or blind soulmate, would they have less vision or hearing or would it not affect them.”

Junhui didn’t need any more information, he could just about guess what happened and could see the effect it had left.

A calm silence fell over the two of them as the sun sank lower into the horizon. Junhui’s thoughts racing about the new information.

“Were there other labs?”

“Tons, hidden obviously. How else do you think the government and scientists know so much about soulmate bonds?”

“That’s dark”

“Yet accurate, we know so much about the limits of the body through experiments on prisoners of war. It’s grim”


	8. Another chapter of my life began when I met you

The four of them stood in the corridor, it felt cramped and uncomfortable and Hansol felt anxiety built up in his chest as a cold and angry sensation.

He had prepared himself for the worst, based off Seungkwan’s reaction he assumed Joshua would barely remember him.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm the cold burning in his chest and knocked on the plain white door, ignoring how his hands shook.

They waited, every second feeling like an eternity before the door opened, not fully, but that was to be expected.

Hansol spotted Joshua behind the door, soft brown hair, his fringe hanging over his eyes, dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep.

His eyes met Hansol’s, before he gasped and flung the door open and before Hansol could process what happened Joshua was pulling him into an embrace, holding him so tight that Hansol struggled to breathe, but it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter because Joshua remembered him.

.

Hansol lay against the clean bed sheet swaddled in a fluffy blanket.

He could feel the water from his damp hair seeping into the pillow, but he didn’t care.

The setting sun cast an orange glow into the room through the shades and the soft sounds of night traffic filtered through the window.

Hansol felt warm, safe, as if he was floating.

He heard the door open, and then shut again.

He couldn’t see but he knew it was Joshua. The bed dipped slightly as Joshua lay beside him.

“The others caught me up on everything,'' he spoke softly, presumably trying not to startle Hansol.

Hansol opened his eyes, seeing soft brown hair and soft brown eyes, he returned the soft smile on Joshua’s face. “I trust you’ll tell me the rest when you’re ready,”

Hansol nodded and shifted so he was laying next to Joshua, head resting against his shoulder.

Joshua got the hint and wrapped his arms around Hansol’s frame, pressing a brief kiss to the crown of his head and letting Hansol fall asleep in his embrace.

.

.

.

Minghao stared at the encrypted letter, it had been the third one that week.

The first contained just the code, the second a warning. He was almost too scared to open the third, but there was something painfully familiar about the writing.

He had seen it somewhere before, on many occasions to the point where he knew it. But he couldn’t remember who, or when. Just like everything else.

He wanted to know more, who they were, why they wrote in encryption, why they hadn’t come to him in person. But every time he thought about it, the anxiety came back. Followed by the flashbacks.

He couldn’t help but feel as if he was in some kind of danger. The bandages, and the scars told him something had happened. But he didn’t want to think about it.

And he knew there were others too, others like him. Others he could remember, just enough to insure they were real memories but not enough to figure things out.

He sighed and dropped his bag onto the table, moving to the kitchen and reaching for the painkillers. His headache had returned. But they seemed to be getting better, less frequent, less painful. He wondered if it was something to do with what happened to him.

A surge of a cold, burning sensation rushing up his chest and settling on his throat. He felt as if he had forgotten how to breathe and he held onto the counter, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing. Slowly, counting to 10, in through the mouth and out from the nose.

Someone had taught him that.

He could almost hear their voice as he remembered the instructions, almost. Not enough to remember. He could almost feel their hands settling on his shoulders and back, rubbing comforting circles into his skin, telling him it would be okay, and telling him to breathe.

He could remember how they’d almost press a kiss to his forehead when he had managed to calm himself. He could almost remember.

But he couldn’t.

Day16

Hansol sighed, staring at the paper with the phone number scrawled across it. The atmosphere was tense and Hansol glanced at his hands, noticing how they had started to shake ever so slightly.

He exchanged a look with Joshua, who sighed and reached for his hand, gripping it in comfort.

Hansol dialed the number and waited, each ring increased the sick feeling in his stomach.

He chewed on his lip subconsciously and glanced at Joshua again, feeling calmer as he lost himself momentarily in the comforting and loving gaze the elder sent him.

The phone clicked and Hansol dropped his gaze to the table, willing himself to focus.

“Hello?”, a timid, hoarse voice answered and Hansol breathed a sigh of relief at the familiarity of the voice.

“Is this Soonyoung?”

There was a long pause, then a deep breath, “Who are you?”

Hansol glanced at Joshua again, this is where it could all go wrong. “You won’t remember me, my name’s Hansol, I’m your best friend but you’ve got amnesia”

“You sound familiar,”

Hansol paused, not sure what to say but Soonyoung wasn’t panicking about it and that was a relief. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, how much you can remember?”

“We should meet up, somewhere public just in case, but-”

“I’m free tomorrow, or any day really”,Hansol rushed out, eyes wandering over to Joshua, who gave him a reassuring smile.

He reached for the notebook laying on the table and hastily scribbled down the address Soonyoung gave him.

.

.

.

Jeonghan walked up to the door of the house and froze, a cold, choking fear clouding his mind and making it difficult to breathe.

The door had been left open, the lock smashed in by force.

Someone had broken in.

He breathed silently, pushing the door open and taking small, quiet steps.

The place had been left in chaos. Everything had been overturned, drawers had been left open and cupboards had been emptied.

But there was only one thing on Jeonghan’s mind.

He rushed to the bedroom, flinging the door open, his breathing had sped up and he would’ve given his position away to any attacker but he didn’t care.

His camera lay in the middle of the room, broken and in pieces on the polished wooden floor boards. The map of photos he had built on the wall had been destroyed too, most taken, some lay in torn pieces.

He fell onto his knees next to the broken camera, he should’ve felt angry, upset or something but he just felt numb.

Over two weeks of desperately trying to regain memories or some recollection of anything, it had all been destroyed in a single night. He couldn’t find a reason to try anymore.

.

The sun had begun to set and it cast a deep red glow onto the wall next to him.

He snapped out of his thoughts, they would be back. Whoever came in, they wanted him to see this which meant that they would be back, for him.

Jeonghan didn’t doubt that it was the same people that were chasing him the other day. He rushed to the cupboards, grabbing a bag and hastily packing some clothes. If they were watching the house they might already be on their way. He stopped in the kitchen, grabbing some food before dashing out of the house.


	9. All of the questions, could be answered with one definitive answer

Junhui glanced at the scenery around the house, it sat on a large cliff and overshadowed the raging sea. There was a large, well kept, green garden and a swimming pool in front of the house. It seemed expensive.

He paused at the door, the wind ruffling his hair slightly, what if Minghao didn’t remember him? Like how Seungkwan didn’t remember Hansol.

He shook the thought away and knocked on the door, the sound seemed amplified by his anxiety.

The door swung open and Minghao stood in front of Junhui, almost exactly as he remembered the boy. Obviously a bit more nervous looking and tired, but, he breathed a sigh of relief, compared to the others Minghao seemed as if he was coping okay.

“Junhui, right?” Junhui nodded, not being able to take his eyes off him. Mingao opened the door further and invited him in with a soft, yet uncertain smile.

.

Junhui pulled back from Minghao’s embrace quickly, ending the kiss and ignoring the whine of protest coming from the younger, his fingers brushing past something soft stuck to Minghao’s skin. He leant back on the bed, his eyes trailing down Minghao’s bare chest and settling on a wound dressing stuck to his skin, just above his hip bone. Only now did Junhui notice the scars and bruises that decorated the boy’s skin and he clenched his jaw slightly.

“Jun,” Minghao called softly and Junhui looked at him, seeing uncertainty and anxiety in his eyes. He chewed on his lip, thoughts raging through his head, anger at someone hurting Minghao, hurt at not being able to protect him, a need to protect the younger in the future.

He leant forward again, pressing a kiss to Minghao’s forehead, then his nose and finally his lips.

He cupped Minghao’s face gently, gazing into the younger’s eyes, “Is that the only one?” he asked gently, remembering the bandages that lay, hidden under Hansol’s long sleeves.

Minghao nodded, closing his eyes and kissing Junhui once more. Junhui was hesitant to return it, the negative emotions still residing deep in his chest.

Minghao pulled back, an almost hurt expression on his face as he looked into Junhui’s eyes. “What’s wrong?” Junhui sighed, and pulled the younger in towards his chest, holding his closely as if he was afraid that he would lose him in that moment.

He held Minghao’s shoulders gently, rubbing comforting circles into the boy’s back before pressing another kiss to Minghao’s cheek, fingers playing with his hair softly. “I’m so sorry,'' he sighed, “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you”

Day 17

Hansol walked towards the table where Soonyoung sat. He glanced briefly behind him, the sigh of Joshua sitting on a park bench settling his nerves. This time he had support if it all went wrong. 

“Hansol?”, Soonyoung asked as he sat down and Hansol nodded. “I recognise you”

Hansol breathed a sigh of relief, “How are you doing?”

Soonyoung grimaced and lowered his gaze to the ground, “I mean, apart from the constant nightmares and panic attacks and struggling to eat, on top of the two panic attacks i had about actually meeting you, I’d say I’m doing fine”

Hansol wasn't sure how to respond, on the one hand, he was glad that Soonyoung was honest and not rejecting the truth but on the other hand he hated to hear that the boy was struggling.

“Don’t worry about it, I can handle it. I want you to explain what happened to me, if you are who you say you are you’ll tell me the truth” Hansol nodded, more to himself, he could work with that.

“Okay, well to start off. I lied. A bit. You’ve got amnesia but it’s not an accident. You were in an experiment, with twelve other boys just like you. We were all very close, most connected through a soulmate bond, and that was what they were testing. We escaped, but it went wrong. And I’m trying to find everyone again” Soonyoung avoided Hansol’s gaze, his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, trying to digest all the information he had just been given. “I know it’s a shock but-”

“No, it kinda makes sense”, Soonyoung let out a shaky sigh, “Most of the nightmares I have been getting, sum up your explanation.” he fell silent again and Hansol took it as a signal to carry on.

“You have a platonic soulmate, his name is Jihoon-”

“Can I see him?” Hansol paused, remembering Jihoon’s request.

“It’s possible, maybe not right now”

Soonyoung nodded, seeming a bit more downcast, “So what happens now?”

“Well, Joshua and I will take you to one of the safe houses where the other boys are and then we can come up with a plan when we have found everyone, that’s the general idea at the moment”

“You said twelve others, how many have you found so far?”

Hansol paused, adding Hoshi and Minghao to the group, “Eight including you”

.

Hansol sighed as he and Joshua walked into the third hotel. They had gone to find Jeonghan, but the house had been broken into. And Hansol knew without a doubt that Jeonghan wouldn’t have stayed there.

“Excuse me? Has this person checked in here within the last few days? His name is Jeonghan?” Hansol sighed, focusing on Joshua’s voice, there was something incredibly calming about it. How softly he spoke, especially in English.

Joshua nudged his arm and Hansol glanced at him, “What?”

“Room 37, He’s here”

A cold, painful wave of anxiety washed over Hansol, replacing the warm and calm feeling he had a mere few seconds ago. He took a deep breath and followed Joshua down the corridor. Joshua knocked on the door and they waited.

Thankfully for Hansol as he was getting tired of explaining everything, Jeonghan seemed to recognise them in some form. He tugged Joshua into the room by the front of the shirt, gesturing for Hansol to come in too, before slamming the door, locking it and putting a chair under the handle.

“How did you find me?”

Joshua seemed to stumble for an answer so Hansol filled in, “You’re house was broken into, only an idiot would stay”, he moved further into the room, sitting on the closest of the two singe beds, Jeonghan seemed to shrink in on himself at the simple observation.

Hansol noticed his fleeting glances at Joshua. “Jeonghan,” Jeonghan looked at Hansol, gaze unwavering, “Do you remember us?”

He averted his gaze a bit, chewing on his lip, “I remember you a bit,” he admitted, looking back at Joshua, “And him a lot,'' he seemed to avoid Joshua’s eyes with a desperation. “How many of the others have you found?” Hansol went to answer but Joshua beat him to it.

“How many are left, because there was a man saying about some others”

“What man?”, Hansol’s heat started to beat erratically again, his hands felt numb and it was getting difficult to breathe. If they found the others before he had, they were all in danger.

Joshua patted the space next to him on the opposite bed and Jeonghan hesitated, before moving to sit near him. “I was out getting some groceries and someone was chasing me, so I hid, he had a gun. And a radio. And they said they had a lead on some of the others”

“Who are they?”

Jeonghan shrugged, “Whoever was talking on the radio”

“When was this?” Joshua asked gently and Jeonghan managed to keep eye contact with him now.

“Four days ago, I spent two days here, then I found the house as you two found it” A solemn silence fell over the three boys. s

Joshua stood up and peaked out of the window, “It’s starting to get dark, you should come back with us.” Hansol nodded, “Then you can meet the others too”, but then he noticed how unresponsive Jeonghan got, “What is it?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “It’s dangerous at night, that’s when they tried to find me”

Joshua exchanged a worried look with Hansol and nodded, “Okay, can we stay here then?”

.

Jeonghan sighed to himself, it wasn’t uncommon for him to not be sleeping. He just couldn’t. He was thankful he didn’t get nightmares at least. He felt Joshua shift slightly on the bed.

“Are you awake?”, Jeonghan whispered through the darkness, the old lamp on the desk being the only light source.

Joshua hummed softly in response and Jeonghan hesitated, wanting to ask so many things about Joshua, about Hansol and the others. “Who is he to you?” he mumbled, talking about Hansol; currently wrapped in Joshua’s arms.

“My platonic soulmate, I remembered him the most”

Jeonghan hesitated again, a sinking disappointment filling his chest. That meant that he and Joshua were either romantic soulmates, or nothing, but Jeonghan was sure of it, the amount that he could remember about Joshua, although still as dreams and flashbacks, were more prominent than those with Hansol, or any of the other boys, who he had hazy dreams of and that was it.

“Do you, do you think...maybe, we are something?” He noticed the hesitation from Joshua and was happy the boy was facing the opposite way and couldn’t see the regret and embarrassment on his face.

“I think so,” came Joshua’s response, “I have more memories of you. When I saw the other boys I recognised them, but when I saw you, it was like I already knew you”

“Are they okay? The other boys, I mean” Jeonghan noticed the hesitation and felt dread start to creep in.

“Some are, some are struggling a bit”


	10. An everlasting being, whichever way I looked

Day 19

Wonwoo hesitated in the corridor, anxiety pulsing in his chest like icy rings constricting his rib cage.   
The silence between him calling for Hansol, and Hansol answering felt like a decade.   
“What’s up?”, His voice was steady, even a bit light and cheery, he hoped Hansol was having a better day today.   
“I, uh. Is there, is there someone else?” He asked, wincing at how shaky and scared his voice sounded.   
Hansol smiled sadly and shifted his eyes from Wonwoo to the ground. “Like a soulmate?”  
Wonwoo nodded, then realised how selfish it sounded and rushed to explain himself, “Not that Junhui isn’t enough, he’s more than that I’d be lost without him it’s just-”   
Hansol stayed quiet, his rough, bruised hand holding Wonwoo’s in a comforting grip and Wonwoo felt wave of calm wash over him and continued. “I keep remembering someone else,”   
The smile on Hansol’s face widened a little and he pulled Wonwoo to the kitchen, sitting him down at the table, he pulled the large brown envelope of the pictures and started spreading them around the table. Wonwoo hadn’t seen the pictures, having trusted Junhui and Hansol enough and the rest simply clicked into place. But now having seen them, he recognised the boys in the photos, some from his own faded memory and some from meeting them once more.   
He pulled a few photos from the growing pile, and pushed them to the side, “That’s him”, he mumbled, looking up at Hansol.   
“That’s Mingyu”  
Wonwoo looked back at the picture, it being almost identical to his memories, even the name felt so familiar he wondered how he could ever forget the boy, “Is he my romantic-'' his voice trailed off and Hansol nodded in confirmation as a burst of warm hope flooded through him.  
“We just need to find him”  
.  
.  
.  
Hansol let out a deep breath and sat down at the kitchen counter. Wonwoo and Jeonghan had busied themselves with unwrapping the take outs that Joshua had ordered.   
They hadn’t noticed his worry and he was partially thankful for that.   
They had chosen Junhui’s house to meet in, it being the biggest and closest.   
But they agreed they would all have to be separated before dark, if they were being watched, they would be in danger.   
Junhui walked into the kitchen, a light bounce in his step. Hansol had noticed the pick up in his mood since he had found Minghao and he only hoped the others would follow in recovery when they were all together. His step faltered, a frown appearing on his face as he noticed Hansol’s nervous body language.   
“What’s up?”, he voice was still casual and light, probably to avoid drawing attention from the others, but Hansol was grateful for it. Junhui approached him carefully, rubbing his back to soothe his nerves.   
Hansol stalled for a moment, trying to identify what it was that made him feel like this, “I guess I’m paranoid it’s going to go wrong somehow. Getting everyone together, I expected there to be more difficulties”   
Junhui sighed, jumping onto the counter to sit next to him, he held Hansol’s hand gently. “If there are any difficulties, you won’t have to deal with this alone, it’ll be fine.”  
“Everyone’s here, we’ve got ten in total. We’ve put Jihoon and Chan in the spare room so they don’t get overwhelmed”, Joshua announced, poking his head into the kitchen.  
Hansol breathed a sigh of relief, it seemed to be going okay. But he couldn’t shake the feeling. “I think I’ll stay here for now”  
Joshua moved to Hansol’s other side, his hand resting on his shoulder. “Stay here for as long as you want, you’ve done enough.”  
“But we need a plan to find the others-”, Hansol began to protest but he was cut off by Junhui.  
“Hansol, None of us would be here if it wasn’t for you. Let us help, let us lighten the burden for you”  
Hansol gave up, he knew they were right. But he hated the idea of not being in control. He hated the idea of not knowing things. He hated the unsettling feeling that would not leave him alone.   
“I might go and see Chan and Jihoon”  
This seemed to please the older boys and Joshua beamed, cupping his face and pressing a brief kiss to his forehead. “OKay, I’ll take over for you”   
.  
Hansol paused in the corridor, his footsteps were silent and his breathing sounded too loud.   
He could hear the boys next door, they sounded happy. Hansol guessed they were still eating and hadn’t started planning yet. He peeked through the glass panelling on the door, curious to see who was at the table.   
He caught sight of Soonyoung, Minghao and Junhui sitting next to each other, Wonwoo on Junhui’s other side, he knew Jeonghan would be in there and he could hear Joshua’s voice. He wondered where Seungkwan was.   
“Hey Hansol”, Hansol flinched in shock, Seungkwan was in the corridor, he was drying his damp hands on the end of his sweatshirt. Hansol guessed he had just gone to the bathroom briefly. “Are you going to eat with us?”  
Hansol cursed inwardly, the soft tone Seungkwan used was tempting, so tempting and Hansol wanted nothing more than to just be in his arms. He wanted nothing more than just kiss and love Seungkwan like he used to. He wanted Seungkwan to remember him.   
“No, I’m, I’m, uh, feeling a bit...sick”, he stumbled over his words, avoiding Seungkwan’s gaze with desperation. He knew he’d break if he didn’t.   
“Hansol I think we need to talk about something”, that phrase filled Hansol with dread. So Seungkwan had noticed how different he was acting around him? “Maybe not now, especially if you’re feeling a bit sick, and with the others.”  
“What is it you want to talk about?”, Hansol regretted the words as soon as they came out, he didn’t mean for them to sound so forcefull or demanding. But he knew that if he let the anxiety and dread brew and not know what Seungkwan wanted, it would end badly for him. He couldn’t afford another break down, not now.   
“Well, I, uh. I might be wrong about this but,” Hansol could see the doubt he had just created for Seungkwan. He had already messed up. “I feel as if they’re something you’re not telling me. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but if there is something you haven't told me, I’d rather you tell me than keep it a secret.”   
Hansol couldn’t concentrate, as if there was a great weight that suddenly dropped onto his chest, and his head was drowning.   
“We’re soulmates Seungkwan, you don’t remember me. You don’t remember what we were, you don’t remember us being in love, you don’t remember any of it. Tell me how the fuck am I meant to act like everything’s fine when you can’t even remember being in love? When I’m still in love with you and you clearly aren’t?”, with the final word Hansol barged past Seungkwan, he didn’t mean it, but it had built up for so long inside of him. He couldn’t help voicing out the thoughts and emotions racing through him, powered by a steady flow of adrenaline that came from anxiety or anger, he couldn’t tell the difference any more.   
He ignored the calls of his name and slammed the bedroom door behind him, regretting it as he saw Chan flinch slightly from the noise, and then Hansol started to cry.   
.  
Junhui grinned to himself as he and Soonyoung rose from the table. He and Joshua had decided it would be better for Soonyoung to reunite with his soulmate, Jihoon, in privacy first, before joining the others. Junhui couldn’t help but feel excited for Jihoon, he remembered how happy and connected he felt when he found Minghao.   
The two walked through the corridor and into the kitchen, Junhui slightly behind Soonyoung.   
His excitement was killed almost instantly.   
The moment Jihoon layed eyes on Soonyoung, Soonyoung froze, causing Junhui to bump into his back lightly, but he could tell from Jihoon’s expression that something was horrifically wrong.   
Instinctively, Junhui lay a hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder but the boy flinched away, harshly. His eyes were unfocused, wet and staring at the ground. He couldn’t look at either of them.   
“Soonyoung what’s wrong?”, Junhui asked softly. Soonyoung only shook his head vaguely, Junhui noticed the boy had started to shake ever so slightly, his breath coming out harsher and louder with every passing second.   
Jihoon exchanged a worried look with Junhui, “Soonyoung-”  
“Don’t”, Soonyoung cut him off, his tone uncharacteristically harsh and almost angry. His hands had tightened into fists at his sides and the tears had begun to spill.   
“I’m going to get Joshua-”  
“No, don’t leave me with him”   
A wave of dread and fear washed over Junhui, something was definitely wrong. He reached for Soonyoung’s opposite shoulder, slower this time, creating a barrier between Jihoon and Soonyoung with his arm. He tried his best to avoid the look of hurt on Jihoon’s face as he called for Joshua’s help.   
“What’s up-”, Joshua’s cheery tone faltered as he assessed the situation.   
Junhui sighed, “I think Soonyoung’s having a panic attack”  
Jihoon stepped forward, desperately trying to comfort his soulmate, “Soonyoung I-”  
Soonyoung’s eyes widened and he stepped backwards onto Joshua’s feet, raising his arms in front of his face as if to protect himself. The tears were falling down his face in a steady stream now and his breath was harsh and laboured. Junhui could just about make out what sounded like, ‘please don’t hurt me’, under the sobs that escaped him.   
He exchanged one look with Joshua, before nodding, and guiding Soonyoung gently into the corridor.   
“Jihoon I think you should leave the room,” Junhui thanked Joshua for being so calm and gentle about the situation, whatever it was, it was obvious that something had happened.   
Soonyoung was now clinging to his arm like a lifeline, his head buried in Junhui’s shirt as ugly and harsh sobs escaped his shaking body.   
Junhui didn’t know what to do.   
.  
Days 20

When Hansol woke, he was laying in someone’s embrace. He glanced at the window, the sun was setting and he guessed it was late afternoon. The meeting must’ve ended. He closed his eyes again, basking in the warm comfort of the person’s arms. It was probably Joshua, but he didn’t particularly mind if it was one of the other boys.  
“Are you sleeping?”, it was Joshua, it took him briefly by surprise, he remembered falling asleep in Jihoon’s arms with Chan comforting him, but he didn’t mind.  
Hansol sighed, before answering, “Not anymore”, he sat up and stretched his arm. He must’ve layed on it uncomfortably and a numb sensation ran down to his fingers. Joshua put his book down and diverted his attention to him with a soft smile.   
“Soonyoung had a panic attack,”  
Hansol was immediately awake, he knew he had a reason to be worried, he knew something would go wrong. “Oh shit, is he okay?”  
“Now, yeah. A bit worn out obviously, but-”   
“What happened?”   
Joshua sighed, his gaze slipping from Hansol’s and resting on the sun bathed bed sheets. “He reacted badly to seeing Jihoon.”  
Hansol started picking at his nails, the cold, burning dread filling his chest once more. Joshua noticed and frowned slightly, holding Hansol’s hand with his own. Hansol was stupid to think they’d all get away fine.  
“How badly?”his question came out as no more than a whisper, but Joshua’s expression told him he didn’t want to know the answer. Still, he couldn’t help the boy if he didn’t know how.   
“Started panicking, refused to look at Jihoon or be left alone with him, put his arms up as if to protect himself when Jihoon tried to get closer, then he cried himself to sleep”   
Hansol sighed. He felt exhausted. He fell forward into Joshua’s arms once more, hiding his face in the older’s shoulder. He felt Joshua’s hand start to play with his hair and he fell into the comfort, taking a moment to relax and let go with no consequences.   
Then he started to cry.


	11. Do you remember how long did we share each other?

Day 21

Hansol sighed as he sat down at the kitchen table, pushing the various fliers and papers aside to make a space for his cereal bowl.

It was already past midday, but he didn’t particularly care.

Since the meeting, everything had seemed to calm down a little, or that might’ve been because he had caught up on some much needed sleep for the past few days. He shrugged and busied himself with his cereal.

“Hey”, Hansol looked up and saw Seungkwan draw out a chair opposite him. He swore he couldn’t go five minutes without being bothered. He thought about replying, but nodded instead, his mouth full of cereal and milk. Hansol didn’t want to think about his outburst, or the tension he had created between them. He was tired and hungry.

“I, uh, wanted to talk about the other day”

“I’m sorry that I was being a dick”, Hansol managed, before shoving another spoonful of cereal into his mouth before Seungkwan could say anything.

“You were wrong”, Seungkwan started, his body language nervous, but Hansol tried to block it out, focusing on his cereal. Lucky charms were his favorite, Joshua must’ve gotten them when he was sleeping his sorrows away.

“I do remember you, I know you’re my soulmate, I feel your physical pain and I remember loving you”, Seungkwan took a deep breath before continuing, “It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I’m unsure about everything. When I look at you I get feelings that I don’t know what to with, but I want to hold you, I want to love and be with you but you’re holding back and I don’t know what to do about it” He let out a huge sigh he didn’t know he was holding and looked expectantly at Hansol.

“Well now I’m crying and my cereal is soggy,”

“Are you kidding me?”, he looked at Seungkwan now but he seemed angry, “I just basically proclaimed my love for you and all you can complain about is your cereal?!”

“Leave me alone, humour is my coping mechanism,”

The two stared at each other, both hurt and now both crying.

“So what do we do about this,” Seungkwan asked, wiping away a stray tear.

Hansol hesitated, “Can I get another bowl of cereal before you yell at me? I’m really hungry”

.

.

Hansol knocked gingerly at the door, waiting for permission before entering the bedroom. He quickly observed Soonyoung, trying to guess if it was a good time to talk about it. He seemed okay. A bit tired looking, but he was glowing a bit more since he had found him. He was currently preoccupied with drying his hair with a dark grey towel.

“Oh hey Hansol”, he gestured towards the edge of the bed next to him.

Hansol sat next to him, he couldn’t help but feel nervous, “Is it, uh, a good time, maybe, to talk about what happened with Jihoon?”

His movements slowed, then stopped altogether, and the towel came to rest at his thigh as the cheery expression slid off his face. “There won’t be a good time to talk about it, but I’m calm and stable now, if that’s what you mean”

“I can come back another time, it’s fine, we don’t have to-”

“No,” Soonyoung cut him off, “Let’s talk now and get it over with,”

Hansol nodded and sighed, he knew it was going to be difficult. “First off, any questions you want to ask me?”

Soonyoung paused, clearly thinking but still avoiding Hansol’s eyes. “The others said that you remembered everything that happened to us”, Hansol nodded in confirmation, “If he’s my soulmate, what happened to us?”

Hansol wasn’t sure where to start, what to say and what not to say. “What do you think happened? Or what do you remember?”

Soonyoung took a deep breath, eyes unfocused and towel laying abandoned. “I see him in my nightmares, usually he just says things but sometimes he hurts me.”

Hansol sighed, holding Soonyoung’s closest hand in comfort, “What kind of things does he say?”

Soonyoung shrugged, “It changes every time, but he’s always disgusted with me, and he wants to hurt me,”

“Soonyoung, these nightmares you get, they’re not real. Jihoon doesn’t want to hurt you,”

“The fear feels real,”

A dampened silence filled the room.

“They manipulated you and your feelings so you’d feel fear at Jihoon’s appearance.”, Hansol began to explain, he didn’t want to but he felt that if Soonyoung knew it would help him know the difference between what was real and wasn’t.

He felt Soonyoung’s eyes on him now, “In the lab, they’d separate both of you, you’d be gone for several days at a time. We never knew what happened, you wouldn’t tell us. But each time you came back, you seemed more and more scared, sometimes exhausted, sometimes hungry. You’d flinch at loud noises or big movements and sometimes you’d wake up crying. But each time you’d cling to Jihoon like a magnet. We all thought it was because you missed him but looking back it makes sense. It looked more like you were convincing yourself he was safe and that he loved you”

Soonyoung let out a shaky breath, tears gathering his eyes and his grip on Hansol’s hand had tightened. “And Jihoon, he-”

“He never left your side, when he was could. He’s not affectionate, especially not physically but you were the only exception.”

.

.

.

Day 23

Junhui sighed, making a mental checklist of anything he might need and assessing Wonwoo’s state.

He would’ve thought the younger would feel a bit nervous, but he seemed to be doing better now, compared to when Junhui first found him.

“How are you feeling about finding him?”, he asked gently and Wonwoo shrugged, avoiding his eyes.

“Nervous, I guess”

Minghao stepped into the corridor behind Wonwoo, giving Junhui a curt nod, signalling that the alarms had been set up, just in case, while they were out.

Junhui waited until the other two had stepped into the hallway, before locking the flat door and reaching for the address, written by Soonyoung, from his pocket.

They had found out that Hansol had been smarter than they originally thought, slipping various addresses and numbers, with the appropriate names, into the pockets and folds of their clothes before they escaped.

Just in case.

He was about to head off down the stairs in the lead of Minghao, when he felt Wonwoo grab his arm and pull him back, and when he looked at the expression on the younger’s face, he saw fear. There was insecurity and slight anger there too, but mainly fear.

“Do you, do you think he’ll remember me?”, Wonwoo asked, his voice barely a murmur but Junhui heard every word.

Junhui hesitated, wanting to be honest but knowing that Wonwoo needed comfort, not the truth. “Yes I think he will.”

It worked, to some extent. Junhui noticed how Wonwoo’s figure relaxed ever so slightly, the grip of his arm loosening, before he followed Minghao down the staircase and Junhui hoped, desperately, that Mingyu remembered him.

.

.

Jeonghan chewed at his lip and tried to focus on the numbers on the page in front of him. He could vaguely hear Joshua talking, but he had zoned out, focusing on the pain that had decided to return in his leg again. He was glad that he was seated.

“What is it?”, he heard Joshua ask and Jeonghan sighed.

“My leg hurts," Jeonghan hated the look he got, nothing but pity and sympathy, he hated how useless he felt. He knew that Joshua felt bad for not being able to help him.

“Do you want to take a break?”

“No, I just-”, Jeonghan cut himself off to prevent a pained noise escaping him. The pain only grew and he could feel tears begin to form.

Joshua set the contract down on the table, and shuffled closer to Jeonghan, “Come here,'' he mumbled as the Jeonghan rested his head on Joshua’s shoulders, crying silently.

“I think we should try to find him soon, he’s injured”, Jeonghan spoke quietly, pain evident in his voice.

Joshua nodded in agreement as Hansol entered the kitchen. He gave Jeonghan a concerned look and Joshua explained gently.

Hansol moved to stand behind Joshua, resting his chin on top of Joshua’s head as he scanned through the various documents spread out on the table.

“We decided we’d keep all the flats but otherwise the houses are too big and in plain sight”, Joshua began explaining to Hansol what he and the others had discussed at the meeting. Hansol hummed in agreement.

“The houses should sell for a lot, especially as they’re in such good condition.” Jeonghan let out a strained breath, his hand clutching tightly to Joshua’s sweatshirt and Hansol gave Joshua another worried look.

“I think we really need to focus on finding his soulmate, he’s obviously injured,” Hansol nodded, but couldn’t quite meet Joshua’s eye. He knew this one would be a bit more difficult.

The hesitation didn’t go unnoticed, Joshua had re-learnt the body language of his soulmates in less than a few days.

“What is it?”

Hansol hesitated, noticing how Jeonghan was now listening in and he sighed. “Seungcheol is the only one that I don’t know how to find.”

“What do you mean?”

“There are no numbers, no addresses for him. Nothing. I have no idea where to start”

“How can you be sure that he made it out then?”, Jeonghan mumbled.

“He did, he’s out there somewhere. It’ll be difficult but we’ll find him.” Joshua knew it would be difficult, but he trusted Hansol with his life.

And the look of determination and certainty in Hansol’s eyes made him feel confident that they would find Jeonghan’s soulmate.

.

.

.

Wonwoo ran for his life. Panic and adrenaline running through his veins like a frantic fire, although he could already feel his body getting tired. He knew only to keep running, following a few steps behind Junhui.

His head was throbbing painfully in waves that caused black stars to appear at the sides of his vision but he kept running, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and following Junhui.

Images of the masked men bursting through the window, holding rifles and flooding through the doors and windows of Mingyu’s house, rushed through his mind and he desperately pushed them away.

Junhui grabbed his arm and pulled him sharply into a back alley, holding onto Wonwoo firmly.

Wonwoo could feel the older boy’s heart beating frantically through his shirt. His throat felt dry and raw and his chest full of lead as he tried to control his hyperventilation.

Images of the masked man slamming a rifle into the side of Mingyu’s head, Mingyu falling to the ground limply and the pain that Wonwoo experienced after, replayed as if they were tattooed on the back of his eyelids whenever he closed his eyes.

Junhui had lowered him to the ground, sitting next to Wonwoo and pulling out his phone. Wonwoo tucked his knees towards his chest, fingers digging into his skin through the fabric of the jeans as he tried to calm his breathing.

He could vaguely hear Junhui talking, presumably to Hansol. He was worried for Mingyu and Minghao, they had left them in the house with the armed men. What if they got captured, killed, or worse returned to the lab?

Wonwoo closed his eyes and regretted it as images of blood trickling down the side of Mingyu’s temple, Minghao reaching across the kitchen table and grabbing a large knife and Junhui pulling him out of the back door of the house filled his mind once more.

“Hey, Wonwoo, look at me”, Junhui had moved opposite Wonwoo, grabbing his hands to hold them and Wonwoo fell into the comfort that he offered.

“What about -”, He gasped, still not able to catch his breath from the sudden sprint, “Mingyu, Minghao”

“They’ll be okay”, Junhui spoke confidently, a sense of urgency in his expression. Needing them to be okay rather than knowing. “I just know it, I know they will be. Are you hurt?”

Wonwoo shook his head, “No, but Mingyu-”

“I know, he’ll be okay”

“There was blood-”

Wonwoo was unable to finish the sentence, tears falling as he continued to struggle for breath. Junhui didn’t hesitate to pull the boy into his embrace, doing everything in his power to calm and reassure him.

.

.

The sun had started to set, flooding the slim alleyway with a pale, orange light and Wonwoo felt the warm rays on his face. Joshua had told them to wait a few hours, enough for the attackers to give up on them before returning to the flat.

The furious anxiety inside him had subsided to a sickening feeling of dread. Junhui pulled out his phone, checking the time before exchanging a glance with Wonwoo.

“Do you want to head back now?”, he asked softly and Wonwoo nodded, not enough energy to respond verbally. He was still terrified for the other two. He hoped that if they hadn’t made it back, that they were dead.

He could have dealt with that, he could have dealt with losing Mingyu, as long as they weren’t put back in the lab.

.

The anxiety had returned, a cold ice grip on all of Wonwoo’s limbs as Junhui knocked on the door of their flat.

They had made it back without any trouble, but Wonwoo didn’t know what he’d do with himself if the other two weren’t safe.

Waves of warm relief washed over him as the door opened, relieving a dishevelled looking Minghao and Junhui was quick to pull the boy into a tight embrace. The boys pulled away and Wonwoo followed them into the flat, pausing as Minghao grabbed his arm gently, eyes scanning his body for injuries before smiling softly.

“Mingyu’s on the coach”

Wonwoo made his way through the dark corridor, the sound of Minghao and Junhui talking, faded into the distance. He opened the door to the sitting room quietly, revealing a dark room. The only light coming from the window where the setting sun cast it’s glowing rays of red and orange into the small room.

Mingyu lay on the couch; a bandage wrapped around his head, holding a pack of frozen peas to his left temple. Wonwoo knelt by the side of the couch, his hand moving to cup the younger boys’ bruised face. He had barely any time to know the boy before they were separated again, but they were safe now. And that was all that mattered to Wonwoo in that moment.

Mingyu shifted slightly, eyebrows furrowing slightly and a murmur of Wonwoo’s name escaping his lips. Wonwoo smiled as a burst of warmth exploded in his chest, his hand moved to grip Mingyu’s free one as he lay his head on the younger boy’s chest. It would be okay.


	12. There is a line for reaching to beloved ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter to go!!!

Day 30

“So, what’s the plan?”

Hansol sighed and dumped his duffel bag on the table, trying to ignore the eleven sets of eyes burning into him with curiosity and expectation. Joshua shifted at his side, noticing the awkwardness

“Everyone gets two passports, one fake and one real but with a safe tracking code,” Joshua began to explain, filling in the awkward silence as Hansol flicked through the passports and gave them out. “We’ll split up and travel to a secure base for others like us-” 

Jihoon cut him off. “What if it’s a trap? How do we know it’s not the same people who put us in the lab?”

Hansol sighed again, as he made his way back to Joshua’s side. “It’s not, I know because it’s the same people that helped us escape in the first place,” 

This seemed to settle the growing anxiety and Joshua took it as a signal to carry on.   
“We’ll split up into four groups, Hansol will go with Seungkwan, Chan and Soonyoung. Junhui with Jihoon, Minghao and Jeonghan, I’ll go with Wonwoo, Seokmin and Mingyu. The journey is two days and one night by car, public transport is too dangerous.” 

“Any questions?”, Hansol added, catching Chan’s gaze and nodding in encouragement. 

“I thought we were going to stay here, you sold all the houses but kept the apartments...”, his voice trailed off in uncertainty. 

“That was before we got in contact with the group,” Joshua filled in.

He noticed how Jihoon bit his lip in thought, arms folded defensively, “What is this group?”

Joshua glanced at Hansol to explain, figuring Hansol would know how to.   
“They’re an organisation, like a safe camp for soulmates that have been in situations like ours. They used to be just a safe place to hide and restart a life, but now they’re more like a search and rescue team, if that makes sense” 

“When do we leave?”

“Tomorrow morning.”  
.  
Hansol sighed, the dark blue colours of the early morning washing Joshua and Jeonghan’s room in a sombre blue atmosphere.   
In 5 minutes the alarm would go off and Joshua would wake the rest of them up. 

Hansol’s bag dug into his shoulders, they had packed the night before and it felt heavier than he expected. It was Mainly filled with documents, food and medicine.   
They didn’t have any personal items to carry. 

Joshua shifted on the bed, Jeonghan’s arm looped firmly around his waist and his head resting on Joshua’s chest.   
“Hansol,” Joshua called softly through the darkness. Hansol glanced at the elder, eyes wide as if he’d been caught doing something wrong. “Come here.”

Hansol hesitated, sliding the bag silently off his shoulders and onto the carpet before padding over to Joshua’s side of the bed. His eyes slid over Jeonghan’s peacefully sleeping figure, his expression calm and peaceful. He felt as if he was intruding on something intimate. 

Joshua smiled softly at him, patting the bed next to him and gesturing for Hansol to sit and he complied. “You’re up early” 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Hansol mumbled, avoiding Joshua’s eyes and knowing that he would be able to read everything from a single look 

Joshua raised his hand to cup Hansol’s cheek gently, his gaze never wavering from the boy and Hansol chose to lean in to his touch instead of talking. He had had enough of talking, explaining, whatever. He’d had enough of it. 

The alarm went off, a shrill high pitched beeping cut through the calm, heavy atmosphere and Hansol flinched before searching for the device and slamming the buttons.   
The silence after seemed heavier. 

Jeonghan shifted, the ever-present frown starting to appear on his face and Hansol knew his peace wouldn’t last long. Once again, the feeling of not belonging, of intruding on something intimate crept into his mind leaving a guilty, heavy taste in his throat.

Joshua’s hand moved further towards Hansol’s hair, he started playing with the messy, bleached streaks and Hansol closed his eyes and embraced it. He never had enough of these quiet, intimate, safe moments.   
“We’ll be okay, I promise. I won’t let anything happen to you,”  
.  
.  
Hansol stared into the expanse of the desert.   
It seemed to never end, just blue skies and orange, dusty earth stretching on for eons. He was both mystified and scared of it. 

He felt sick, an awful build up of dread starting in his stomach where he could feel the cold heaviness of the gun tucked into his waistband. He had never carried one before and he didn’t want to ask where Joshua got them from. He had given one to Soonyoung also, both loaded with two bullets each. Joshua hadn’t told him what it was for but Hansol knew all too well, and found himself agreeing to it.   
It filled him with a cold, sickening dread but he knew, rationally it was better than going back. 

Hansol glanced down at Seungkwan sleeping peacefully, his head resting on Hansol’s thigh. He wondered how long it would take to get rid of the horrible awkwardness between them. He wondered if they would ever be the same again.   
He wondered if it really came down to it, would he be able to end Seungkwan’s life, for the better. 

The gun only felt heavier in his waistband, cold metal pressing against his rough and bruised skin, as if it already carried the weight of his soulmates’ life.   
Hansol looked out the window once more, he didn’t want to think about it, but deep down he already knew the answer no matter how much it tore him apart from the inside out.   
He couldn’t bring himself to put Seungkwan in danger again like before.   
And he knew that when it came down to it Soonyoung would do the same, both for him and for Chan.  
.  
.  
Hansol stared into the cheap mirror hanging over the sink. They had stopped briefly at a gas station for snacks and a break, Joshua’s car was a few miles ahead, Junhui’s was just about catching up. 

He splashed water on his face and stared at the cracked sink, drying his face with his sleeves as he heard the door to the toilets open. He caught sight of Seungkwan before he wrapped his arms around Hansol’s frame, hands moving under his hoodie and stopping just at his stomach, his fingers touching the top of the gun handle. 

Hansol’s heartbeat started to hammer in his chest, a burning pain rising from his stomach and his knees buckling as Seungkwan paused and pulled away slightly. He could feel Seungkwan’s gaze on him through the mirror but refused to look at him. 

He felt Seungkwan get closer and press a soft kiss to his temple before whispering in his ear, “I know you’ll protect me when it comes to it”, before letting go and walking out the door.   
Hansol couldn’t bring himself to follow and correct Seungkwan on what it was actually for, the dread and guilt building up in his chest, choking him and making it difficult to breathe. But he knew the pain would be over soon.   
He knew sooner or later, for better or for the worse it would end.   
.  
.  
.  
The final night

It was the bright lights that startled Hansol out of his sleep.   
He flinched and reached for the gun and Seungkwan’s arm, still looped around his waist, slowed him but his hand closed around it under his hoodie all the same.

The night was pitch black, the moon hidden behind a mass of clouds as the darkness stretched on into infinite land. The only light coming from the source highlighting their car.   
Seungkwan had woken up from his sleep next to him, grumbling slightly but he was quickly distracted by the lights, Hansol took the opportunity to gaze at his soulmate one last time. Knowing he would never forget the promises of bleached white hair and rosy cheeks, soft giggles and rushed kisses and flustered yet cheeky smiles. 

Hansol expected the end to be quicker, more of a surprise. Maybe helicopters trapping them as they were ambushed from all sides, Giving them less time for Soonyoung and him to follow Joshua’s orders.   
Sooyoung kept driving into the darkness, now accompanied by two trucks either side of the car but they didn’t seem threatening. 

“We’ve found it, Joshua called them ahead but we’re almost there” 

Hansol expected them to have a quick, painful ending. No chance to live or recover or learn how to love again. Hansol didn’t expect them to have a happy ending.   
.  
.  
Obviously there would be tons of security to get through. Metal detectors, body scanners, x-rays, drug tests and whatever else they threw at him. 

Hansol gave up the gun as soon as he could, happy to rid the weapon that held so much guilt and dread. He felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders when he let it go, he felt as if he could look Seungkwan in the eye. 

They had all been separated, given a chance to wash, a clean set of clothes and a meal, and then attended by a doctor then a physician.  
The walls were all grey and made of stone or concrete Hansol couldn’t quite tell. But they were cold and felt calming. A refreshing contrast to the never ending harsh desert he had started with. 

He had been given a black cloth bracelet and it sat comfortably against his skinny wrists, but he could feel the metal plate inside of it carrying all his details and diagnostics.   
Tomorrow his new life would begin, and this would all be over. 

The metal door to his room slid open with a soft hiss and Seungkwan stood in the doorway. He stared at the boy expectantly, not knowing what to say. 

“I know you want Joshua not me, but I’ve got permission to your room and I didn’t want to be alone,” he stepped into the room, dressed in almost identical light grey trousers and t-shirt except for his own name written on his left sleeve. “I hope it’s okay,”   
Hansol nodded and patted the space on the bed next to him, silently inviting Seungkwan into the room.  
He hated how awkward it felt, how Seungkwan knew it was awkward; how he knew that he wanted Joshua instead. He felt the bed dip as Seungkwan sat next to him, his gaze falling over him in concern.   
“The gun wasn’t to protect you”, Hansol couldn’t hold the truth back anymore, even if it would be the breaking point between them. He stared at the grey, spotless floor instead of into Seungkwan’s soft, loving gaze that he craved yet didn’t deserve. 

“Soonyoung had one too, both loaded with two bullets, it was Joshua’s idea.” He took a deep breath, “In case we got caught again, so, so we wouldn’t go back to the lab” 

“To end it?”, Seungkwan’s voice was no more than a whisper, almost afraid. Hansol only nodded in answer. “And would you be able to do it, for me?”. Hansol nodded once more, not being able to look him in the eye. Expecting Seungkwan to yell at him, hit him, leave him and never come back. 

Seungkwan sighed, reaching for Hansol’s hand and linking their fingers together in a reassuring squeeze. He lifted Hansol’s hand, watching as his gaze followed and pressed a kiss to his bruised knuckles. His actions confused Hansol but he wouldn’t stop them, only trying to listen to what Seungkwan was trying to communicate. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, barely loud enough for Hansol to hear but it filled him with guilt and dread all the same. He pushed it away, he felt he had been selfish enough recently, wrapping himself in self pity. He didn’t even notice how close they were until their foreheads touched and he closed his eyes. Not being able to face Seungkwan’s loving gaze, not without breaking down again. 

He froze, not sure what to do but listen to his breaking heart, not wanting to make the other uncomfortable and before he could stop himself he mumbled, “I love you”. And that was it, or he thought.   
He had poured out his entire soul, again, to Seungkwan, he had nothing more to give and nothing more to say. His entire heart was in his hands. 

Seungkwan was still holding his hand, his other moved to cup Hansol’s jaw, his thumb gently caressing his bruised cheek before he leant in gently to press a soft kiss to Hansol’s lips. He could taste the salty tears that had fallen and feel the cuts on his soft skin but Seungkwan didn’t care.

“I love you more”


	13. In the place, where thirteen pieces can be completed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking of writing a prequel to this, maybe a bit on their relationships before the escape and how they did escape?

6 months later

Hansol sighed to himself, wiping away the sweat on his brow with the back of his hand. He could feel the sun beating down on his shoulders but he had learnt to cherish it.   
Even when it caused the plants to dry out. 

It had been six months since they had been rescued and found refuge.   
Six months since his new life began. 

He took a sip from his water bottle, cringing at the warm temperature of it before placing it back into the basket along side the vegetables he had collected.   
They had all been given a chance, a job, a place to live and recover, a new name if they wanted.   
He had chosen to work on the fields that provided most of the food for the camp, he had enough of fighting and searching. 

The camp was impressive to say the least, from the outside it simply looked like a farm with a garage and a few buildings, but most of it, hidden underground stretched on for miles and was heavily guarded. He was always surprised by the amount of people the camp held, as well as the sheer size in communication and technology of it too. 

He glanced out towards the horizon, past the netting and the fence guarding the fields and towards the ongoing desert that stretched on for eons.   
He wasn't afraid of it anymore, he had grown to become comfortable with it. 

He glanced over the row of tomato plants to see Chan tending to the orange trees, he had also chosen to help with the gardening jobs. He seemed happier, his once skinny frame had disapeared and he had even put on a bit of muscle due to the physical labor required for the job. He talked more, although he was still shy and avoided crowded situations but Hansol knew it would take a long time for all of them to heal completely, if ever. 

The door to the farmhouse opened and Hansol glanced towards it to see Seungkwan walking towards him. A burst of warmth spread through his chest as he attempted to hold back a smile, he guessed Seungkwan had come to visit him on his break, it was always Hansol's favorite part of the day.   
But there was something different about today, Seungkwan looked troubled rather than wearing his usual bright smile on his face, his pace quicker.  
"Main office says they want to speak to you, they say it's urgent"   
Hansol dropped the scissors and his gloves into the basket and followed Seungkwan out of the fields, dread starting to build up in his stomach.   
He wasn't a particularly high rank, nor had anything happened with their group, what would main office want to speak about with a gardener? 

He followed Seungkwan in silence, relishing in the dark, cold air as they descended down the stair case. His eyes stung lightly from the sudden contrast in light but he kept going. He couldn't help noticing how loud his boots sounded on the metal steps as they descended deeper.   
Hansol made this journey every day yet it felt as if they were walking for ages before they got to the massive, concrete door that led to the base of the camp. 

Finally, they reached the main office. The main office being a large, dark room with various computers and screens lining the walls and full of people sitting at desks wearing headsets connected to monitors. In the center there was a large table, lining with many monitors also but where the leaders and high ranks of the base sat and discussed missions, protocol, security and anything else that needed permission.   
Instantly Hansol was pulled to the side of the room by a woman in a dark blue jumpsuit, three white stripes on her left shoulder as well a her name, Hansol could tell she was the leader of her division.   
"With help from our bases and allies across the countries and facial recognition through cctv we think we've found Seungcheol"   
Hansol's heart lept in his chest, a sudden urge to just run out there and find the one they had been missing the entire time but he knew he had to stay calm.   
The woman mumbled something into her head set and typed furiously onto her computer, pulling up various images and videos from cctv but Hansol didn't even need to go through them to know it was him.   
"That's him, we've found him"


End file.
